I’m sure you figured it out when I passed those large baggage compartments only to foolishly attempt to jam my bag into the tiny compartment over your head.

I understood the Italian train system about as well as a goat understands a watch.

While I was impressed by the amount of bravery you were able to displayed when I was barely able to prevent the bag from hitting you in the head, it probably would have been better if you had just motioned towards the larger compartments behind the seats. Eventually that old man helped us both by telling me about the other baggage area. I think he noticed the vein on my forehead.

It would also have helped if you had mentioned to the lady yelling at me that you were actually in my seat. It certainly would have explained why everyone was sitting one seat to the right of their reserved seat and why I was the unlucky person who ended up in her seat. Your response would have certainly been more eloquent than my “I really wish I knew better Italian” stare.

Creative Commons picture by ➨ Redvers.

For twenty minutes after that she, and the whole section of the train, talked about how idiotic I was for coming to Italy without knowing the language.

Oh, and you can tell that lady that asking me to proof read her English-language speech moments after mocking me for not knowing Italian is poor form. Even if I did fix her grammar and help her understand the word “to.”

Creative Commons picture by nikan_gr.

Even if you start your journey by leaving the most dangerous place on the itinerary, knowing how to call for assistance in the local tongue can provide peace of mind. Perhaps there will be a police officer nearby. You could also just pull a Blanche Dubois and rely on the “tripping foot” of strangers. Very few crowds are friendly to pickpockets and muggers.

To help you feel a little bit more comfortable at your destination here are 16 translations for the term “Help, Thief” as provided by Google’s translation capabilities.

Danish

hjælp, tyv!

Czech

pomoc, zloděj!

Bulgarian

помогне, крадец!

Dutch

help, dief!

Finnish

apua, varkaan!

French

aider, voleur!

German

Hilfe, Dieb!

Greek

βοηθήσουν, κλέφτης!

Hindi

मदद , चोर !

Italian

aiuto, ladro!

Norwegian

hjelp, tyv!

Polish

pomocy, złodziej!

Portuguese

ajudar, ladrão!

Russian

Пожалуйста, вор!

Spanish

ayudar, ladrón!

Swedish

hjälp, tjuv!

Creative Commons picture by fabbio.

Creative Commons picture by gadl.

If you plan on camping in an area with bears, or other almost-as-tough-as-chuck-norris animals, pepper spray can be a nice “just in case” tool. It can also be used for self defense when you don’t trust all the humans around you. That said, it is illegal in places like Canada, Belgum, Hong Kong, an many others. Even in locales where it is legal, it can be a bad travel companion.

The solution: flashlights. Airport security usually doesn’t care about them and they can be bright enough to temporarily disorient an assailant. If things get really bad and the bear just keeps coming, you could always use a big flashlight like a battery powered club.

As normal light bulbs have become more energy efficient our ability to make really bright bulbs has also increased. Some flashlights are so bright they advise people to keep them out of the reach of children. Running off of just a few batteries these flashlights can do there job so well that they are self-defeating. They can light up the path in front of you to the point of making it difficult to look at. Luckily, most flashlights with this sort of capability have lower settings.

Check out this video demonstration of one such flashlights. Even when the camera adjusts to the brightness it still can’t record the image from the center of the beam.

Here is another video that compares various flashlights.

Some think the best tip-insult is to not leave a tip. Rookie mistake. There are many countries where this is the norm. This is the polite way to deal with good service. In those situations, it is clearly a bad insult.

I know, for us tip-happy Americans it seems crazy. In some parts of the world people charge exactly the amount of money they want.

1 – Insult With a Large Tip in Japan

If you want to anger a service worker in Japan, leave a large tip. Twenty percent will probably be enough to shock them into a memorable state of irritation. A tip implies that they will only do their job correctly when given extra money. In some situations it also implies that the tipper now owns a part of the enterprise they tipped and expect to receive a percentage of the income every month. OK, I made that last one up.

The point is that tipping in Japan is an insult with finesse.

2 – Insult by Omitting a Tip in Chile

Not leaving a tip in a restaurant used to actually be a crime. I’m not talking in a metaphorical way either. There was a law against not tipping at least 10% at restaurants. Modern mean people need not fret though, that law was repealed in 1981. As far as I know, it is now completely legal to comment on the poor quality of an establishment’s waitstaff by not leaving a tip.

3 – Insult with a Very Small Tip in Germany

When seen from an American viewpoint the German standard tip of 5-10% doesn’t seem like much. However, it still leaves room to give below-par tips.

Now you might be thinking “well 0% is below 5%.” But, that would be too low. A small tip is more of an insult than no tip at all. I’m not sure why. It has something to do with either the Battle of Teutoburg Forest or the general notion that a small tip is an explicit rebuke while no tip could just be forgetfulness.

4 – Insult by Tipping a US Government Official

This is probably the most dangerous tip-based-insult mentioned here. Technically it is seen as a bribe and could get you thrown in jail. However, if done properly, you’ll probably be fine.

I would suggest not trying to tip a police officer. At the very least try another government official for your first technical bribe. For example, you could develop your talents with a post office worker. You know, someone who doesn’t have the authority to arrest you.

Creative Commons picture by ryan.dowd.

If You Aren’t Totally Mean You Can Use This Information for Good

It is worth noting that the knowledge needed to practice the dark art of tip-sulting is actually neither good nor bad. Knowledge of the standard tip in a particular place can be used for good. With this information you could compliment the service at numerous establishments…or insult people with various sums of money. Your choice.

I, for one, am very reluctant to use this knowledge to insult people. It just seems too mean. Even if I did get bad service.

1. Get really good at fighting
2. Lose fights
3. Pretend to be Canadian

The fist option is hard and the second just sucks. So here are three ways to pretend to be Canadian:

Be Polite

Yep, it is a stereotype. Just what others will be using to judge if you are actually Canadian. So fill those well-insulated boots my friend. Remember your please and thank yous. You can even bow if you get the urge. People will recognize the intent even in cultures that don’t normally do that.

Say “eh” a lot

I bet you already know how to use this all-purpose-word. It is easier than you think. The most important and distinctly Canadian way to use “eh” is in the place of “you get it?”. Like “I’m Canadian, eh, so I have no reason to fight any of you.”

Wear maple leaf stuff

Like a trucker hat with the maple leaf symbol on it. Having a maple leaf on your bag makes your eh’s more convincing. Having it on your shirt makes you look innocent. Standing in a sand outline of the maple leaf protects you from the evil-eye.