Now that we have established how cheap airfare has become (My God!), we can talk about how you can get some of that sweet sweet honey. Plane tickets are not like most other services. When the normal laws of economics get within range of the airline’s reason-distorting glare, they ball up in fear.

Here are three quick tips to help you navigate your next airfare purchase. After all, tickets are cheap (My God!).

1) Watch for deals

Here is where your flexibility and willingness to go anywhere that is both cool and not dangerous can save you some serious bank. Though airfare is “My God!” cheap, it isn’t cheap everywhere all the time.

For example check out this list of deals. Right now you can buy a round trip ticket from New York to London for $90 (My God!). See, I only know that because of that deal section. I also know that it is a little misleading because fees and taxes will add hundreds of dollars. However, it is still cheap.

2) Time your purchase right

Much like eating a peach, there is a fine art to biting into airfare at just the right time. If you do it too early you can end up with an overly crunch somewhat tasteless fare. However, if you are too patient and wait too long you will get a somewhat spoiled kind of revolting fare. The goal is to buy your ticket at just the right time. Right after the airlines start panicking about not selling enough tickets yet before the last minute buyers start panicking about not having tickets.

In all honesty, I am really bad at this art. In response, I often refer to the number-based farecast.com approach. They try to help you figure out the best time to buy. Luckily, they provide this service even if you don’t buy through them.

3) Consider the quirks of the airlines

In what sort of strange world is it cheaper to buy more? I’m not talking in a salesman-ese “cost per unit” sense either. I’m talking absolutely cheaper. Airlines.

Sometimes buying the round trip is cheaper than the one way, even if you only want to go one way. Unfortunately, airlines can also raise the price of tickets to certain cities if they see a rise in search traffic. Yup, this is what airlines can do to reasonable economics.

There are several of these quirks and paying any significant amount of attention to them is probably too paranoid. However, I swear I have seem airline prices go up hundreds of dollars when I search for a specific destination and date on several different sites. Plus, worrying about this matches my tinfoil hat perfectly.

Creative Commons picture by Chrispitality.

Creative Commons picture by twodolla.

The Power of Such Knowledge

Find the shortest security line

The TSA website estimates the wait time for each terminal and section of gates. Getting separate estimates for the security line at the A gates and the one at the B gates is more valuable than one might at first think.

In most airports the different gate sections are connected by walkways. Assisted by TSA’s estimate of wait time you can see if you would be better off going through the C gate security checkpoint and then walking around to the A Gates. This could give you an extra half hour to spend with a cinnabun rather than standing around in the security line.

Arrive at the airport just in time

If you don’t like sitting around at the airport, you can time your arrival so there is just enough time to make it through security and catch your flight.

Sure, this significantly increases your risk of something going wrong and missing the flight. However, sometimes that is a risk worth taking.

Possible flaws in the website

Holidays

This website doesn’t seem to compensate for holidays and other times of heavy air traffic. Which, if correct, seems like a big flaw. When the security lines are most likely to cause a problem, this website will be least suited to help you avoid such problems.

Just the line

Aside from the line there is also the time you spend frantically taking of your belt, shoes, and unpacking your computer. However, only the time you spend in the line seems to be included in the website.

Live information

Granted, this website is designed to help people estimate what their wait will be like. However, the website doesn’t seem to display what the wait is now. This live information could be both interesting and useful (especially on holidays).

Oh the potential of this information

The TSA has made a valuable step in the right direction. However, more timely data could really help. Rather than just estimates, telling people what the wait is like right now could have many uses.

If posted in the airport, live information could also help decrease overall wait time by encouraging people to spread out among the different security checkpoints.

Creative Commons picture by wili_hybrid.

The FAA sort of does this too

The FAA also has a page that displays similar information. The FAA’s site shows how far behind airplanes are running at various airports. Such information allows you to see how long you may have to wait on an airplane before it takes off.

Luckily the FAA seems to post much more current information than the TSA.

“How could you possibly need four pairs of flip-flops? Those two backup toothbrush are totally unnecessary. Even if your toothbrush gets misplaced, you will be able to find a replacement there,” said a security worker who wished to remain anonymous.

Creative Commons picture by weasello.

Creative Commons picture by gruntzooki.

3) In An Open Purse, in Cash

A big wad of cash loosely stuck in an open purse is like a big red button with a sign that says “do not push.” Previously honest people will be tempted. Those who have spent the last few years working at a boring job will wonder if they could get away from it. Even a devout monk would get a rush of adrenaline looking at it. It is just so easy.

Extra points if:

You only hold one side of the purse, so gravity seductively pulls it open.

2) Cash Taped to Your Elbow

I have no idea how you would end up with cash taped to your elbow. But, I have a feeling that the story about why you have money taped to your elbow is worth far more than the actual money you could lose. As a result, I’m not wholly against this situation.

Extra points if:

You walk up to strangers, say numbers and expectantly wait for them to tell you if that is the amount you have taped to your elbow.

1) Ask a Stranger To Carry Some Cash For You

Truthfully this is just a somewhat mean donation. On the plus side you get to choose who gets the money. This way you can be reasonably confident that the person who gets it needs it. Unfortunately this particular donation comes with a side of guilt and a dash of shame.

Extra points if:

You tell them they have an “honest face” before you ask them to carry your money.

Creative Commons picture by gadl.

If you plan on camping in an area with bears, or other almost-as-tough-as-chuck-norris animals, pepper spray can be a nice “just in case” tool. It can also be used for self defense when you don’t trust all the humans around you. That said, it is illegal in places like Canada, Belgum, Hong Kong, an many others. Even in locales where it is legal, it can be a bad travel companion.

The solution: flashlights. Airport security usually doesn’t care about them and they can be bright enough to temporarily disorient an assailant. If things get really bad and the bear just keeps coming, you could always use a big flashlight like a battery powered club.

As normal light bulbs have become more energy efficient our ability to make really bright bulbs has also increased. Some flashlights are so bright they advise people to keep them out of the reach of children. Running off of just a few batteries these flashlights can do there job so well that they are self-defeating. They can light up the path in front of you to the point of making it difficult to look at. Luckily, most flashlights with this sort of capability have lower settings.

Check out this video demonstration of one such flashlights. Even when the camera adjusts to the brightness it still can’t record the image from the center of the beam.

Here is another video that compares various flashlights.

A spokesman for US customs said: “While we are never happy to find information of such danger when we search laptops, it does justify our extensive personal-data-combing operation. Imagine what would have happened if that information had gotten through to the general population of the United States! Luckily we have stopped it.” It is was later discovered that this information may already have been e-mailed to 423,592 US citizens.

The agent who discovered the explosive information was quickly quarantined. It is feared that he may remember the explosive information after discovering it. If this turns out to be the case the agent will have to remain in quarantine for the rest of his life to prevent the dangerous information from spreading further.

A manager at US customs in LAX expressed deep sadness that the agent may have been exposed. “He has taken an information bullet for all of us, and protected us from information that could potentially rupture our minds and cause people around us to be hit by skull-shrapnel.”

See, some of my time is spent trying to come up with fake news that is crazier, and hopefully funnier, than the real news. However, I have just come across a story that I’m having some trouble beating.

Apparently the US department of homeland security has expressed interest in a security bracelet for air travelers. The specific bracelet they were interested in is capable of tracking the wearer at all times (yeah, they will know how long you spend in that bathroom stall) and remotely shocking them. The promotional video claims that the shock is strong enough to “completely immobilize for several minutes.”

Creative Commons picture by androog.

Oh yeah, this bracelet would be worn by every single air traveler. That really big guy sitting in front of you would gets one. The business man smothering his loneliness in a cinnabon would have one. Even that 5 year old kid who didn’t like the type of orange juice they offered her would be wearing one.

This story is stiff competition, I know. Here are the five fake air travel policies that I came up with. If you squint and tilt your head a little they might measure up.

1. Require all air passengers to travel naked, so it is more painful to try to conceal weapons.
2. Paint people’s faces various colors when they arrive at the airport to clearly display their estimated threat potential
3. Pack everyone into armored boxes when they arrive at the airport. They can be released from their cage by airport personnel when they reach their destination.
4. No luggage. Ever.
5. Same as the proposed bracelet. One just does it secretly so people have no idea that a zap could be on it’s way.