air travel

Airport security workers have noticed an increase in people packing unnecessary stuff. This type of packing is thought to be a symptom of “pretrip panic,” a situation where one succumbs to a mild hysteria the night before departing on a trip.

“How could you possibly need four pairs of flip-flops? Those two backup toothbrush are totally unnecessary. Even if your toothbrush gets misplaced, you will be able to find a replacement there,” said a security worker who wished to remain anonymous.

Creative Commons picture by weasello.

Having the only pint of ice cream on the bus tour of death valley is a rare situation. It is a circumstance where people want to steal a possession from you that isn’t money. For all those other times here is a look at the three least secure ways to carry your money. [The three most secure ways to travel with money is the next article.]

Creative Commons picture by gruntzooki.

3) In An Open Purse, in Cash

A big wad of cash loosely stuck in an open purse is like a big red button with a sign that says “do not push.” Previously honest people will be tempted. Those who have spent the last few years working at a boring job will wonder if they could get away from it. Even a devout monk would get a rush of adrenaline looking at it. It is just so easy.

Extra points if:

You only hold one side of the purse, so gravity seductively pulls it open.
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It is a hassle to travel with pepper spray. You are not allowed to have it in your carry-on or to take it into many countries. However, flashlights are rarely considered contraband and can be bright enough to temporarily disorient an attacker while you run away.

Creative Commons picture by gadl.

If you plan on camping in an area with bears, or other almost-as-tough-as-chuck-norris animals, pepper spray can be a nice “just in case” tool. It can also be used for self defense when you don’t trust all the humans around you. That said, it is illegal in places like Canada, Belgum, Hong Kong, an many others. Even in locales where it is legal, it can be a bad travel companion.

The solution: flashlights. Airport security usually doesn’t care about them and they can be bright enough to temporarily disorient an assailant. Read the rest of this entry »

Creative Commons picture by creo que soy yo.A customs agent has discovered explosive data on the laptop of a 42 year old woman who flew into LAX. It appears that the woman was attempting to smuggle the explosive data into the country in order to start some shit.

A spokesman for US customs said: “While we are never happy to find information of such danger when we search laptops, it does justify our extensive personal-data-combing operation. Imagine what would have happened if that information had gotten through to the general population of the United States! Luckily we have stopped it.” It is was later discovered that this information may already have been e-mailed to 423,592 US citizens.

The agent who discovered the explosive information was quickly quarantined. It is feared that he may remember the explosive information after discovering it. If this turns out to be the case the agent will have to remain in quarantine for the rest of his life to prevent the dangerous information from spreading further.

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I have just been stumped.

See, some of my time is spent trying to come up with fake news that is crazier, and hopefully funnier, than the real news. However, I have just come across a story that I’m having some trouble beating.

Apparently the US department of homeland security has expressed interest in a security bracelet for air travelers. The specific bracelet they were interested in is capable of tracking the wearer at all times (yeah, they will know how long you spend in that bathroom stall) and remotely shocking them. The promotional video claims that the shock is strong enough to “completely immobilize for several minutes.”

Creative Commons picture by androog.

Oh yeah, this bracelet would be worn by every single air traveler. That really big guy sitting in front of you would gets one. The business man smothering his loneliness in a cinnabon would have one. Even that 5 year old kid who didn’t like the type of orange juice they offered her would be wearing one.

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