5 Air Travel Situations Worse Than Wearing The Tracking & “Immobilizing” Bracelets The DHS Expressed Interest In

I have just been stumped.

See, some of my time is spent trying to come up with fake news that is crazier, and hopefully funnier, than the real news. However, I have just come across a story that I’m having some trouble beating.

Apparently the US department of homeland security has expressed interest in a security bracelet for air travelers. The specific bracelet they were interested in is capable of tracking the wearer at all times (yeah, they will know how long you spend in that bathroom stall) and remotely shocking them. The promotional video claims that the shock is strong enough to “completely immobilize for several minutes.”

Creative Commons picture by androog.

Oh yeah, this bracelet would be worn by every single air traveler. That really big guy sitting in front of you would gets one. The business man smothering his loneliness in a cinnabon would have one. Even that 5 year old kid who didn’t like the type of orange juice they offered her would be wearing one.

This story is stiff competition, I know. Here are the five fake air travel policies that I came up with. If you squint and tilt your head a little they might measure up.

1. Require all air passengers to travel naked, so it is more painful to try to conceal weapons.
2. Paint people’s faces various colors when they arrive at the airport to clearly display their estimated threat potential
3. Pack everyone into armored boxes when they arrive at the airport. They can be released from their cage by airport personnel when they reach their destination.
4. No luggage. Ever.
5. Same as the proposed bracelet. One just does it secretly so people have no idea that a zap could be on it’s way.