3 Reasons Portobelo, Panama is included in the Talk-Like-a-Pirate Vacation

1) Cutlasses were used here

This town has a rich history of pirate-era weaponry use. Mostly because it was an important Spanish treasure port during the pirate-era. In fact, that is really what put Portobelo on the map.

Every once and a while a bunch of Spanish would get together in the town, load an incredible amount of sliver on a bunch of boats, and decided to make a booze run to Spain.

2) Henry Morgan & A Can of Atrocity

Pissed that the Spanish were not buying his preferred brand of rum, Captain Henry Morgan attacked the town in 1668. He lead a band of 450 “defenders of rum’s honor” against the heavily fortified settlement. The dude actually pulled in off. He then spent 14 days committing atrocities.

Henry Morgan’s raid went down in history as one of the most successful and “I’m soooo glad I wasn’t there” pirate raids. The legend of Henry Morgan’s conquest was later heightened when Morgan scandalized the pirate world by admitting that he had plundered while drunk.


Creative Commons picture by gailf548.

3) The Name

Portobelo was named by Christopher Columbus during his “why are there so many gigantic freaking storms” tour (aka “fourth voyage”). The name is thought to either mean “beautiful port” or “Please God, let this place have good food. Perhaps portobello mushrooms….” It was a rough voyage.

The name still remains. However, in 1596 the Spanish won a fight against the famed Francis Drake and almost renamed the area “Place Francis Drake, the English moron, totally failed to conquer.” The dramatic “meeting for the adjustment of names” was so much fun several members stayed up all night renaming things in ways that made fun of the English. After the excitement of the meeting had passed cooler heads were able to prevail. It was realized that renaming a Spanish-controlled landmark in a slang of English that didn’t yet exist “would totally suck.” In the end the Spanish decided to keep the old name. Despite their unanimous agreement that Francis Drake was a moron.

Present Day

Portobelo is now a sleepy Panamanian town 28 miles east of Colon. The fortifications that weren’t blown up during the pirate-era or any of the subsequent wars can still be seen by tourists today. I also hear that boat tours of the area are quite cool. From a boat one can witness howler monkeys, river otters, and sloths while talking like a pirate.