Stories

Creative Commons picture by Jasoon.

Phillip Smith was anticipating the fun and confusion of his next vacation so much that he had to cancel it. “I just got too freaked out” he explained. Many look forward to their vacation for months. Sometimes this leads to an increased level of excitement and preparation. Other times it is slow descent into panic.

“In retrospect it seems like it was the wrong decision” Philip said, “but the more I read about the possible pitfalls and adventures the more it seemed out of my league.” Philip was planning a trip to San Francisco with his wife of 12 years. They had the needed money. They had arrangements with airlines and hotels. However, he wasn’t sure he had the right bag or if he could properly avoid being mugged. “If I was mugged, how would I respond?” Philip wondered if he should go to the police, fight back, yell “thief” really loudly, or just pull out his sidearm and start shooting.

“I’ve seen those movies where the police turn out to be accomplices of the criminal. I wouldn’t be smart enough to figure that out. I could lose everything!”

Creative Commons picture by creo que soy yo.A customs agent has discovered explosive data on the laptop of a 42 year old woman who flew into LAX. It appears that the woman was attempting to smuggle the explosive data into the country in order to start some shit.

A spokesman for US customs said: “While we are never happy to find information of such danger when we search laptops, it does justify our extensive personal-data-combing operation. Imagine what would have happened if that information had gotten through to the general population of the United States! Luckily we have stopped it.” It is was later discovered that this information may already have been e-mailed to 423,592 US citizens.

The agent who discovered the explosive information was quickly quarantined. It is feared that he may remember the explosive information after discovering it. If this turns out to be the case the agent will have to remain in quarantine for the rest of his life to prevent the dangerous information from spreading further.

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I have just been stumped.

See, some of my time is spent trying to come up with fake news that is crazier, and hopefully funnier, than the real news. However, I have just come across a story that I’m having some trouble beating.

Apparently the US department of homeland security has expressed interest in a security bracelet for air travelers. The specific bracelet they were interested in is capable of tracking the wearer at all times (yeah, they will know how long you spend in that bathroom stall) and remotely shocking them. The promotional video claims that the shock is strong enough to “completely immobilize for several minutes.”

Creative Commons picture by androog.

Oh yeah, this bracelet would be worn by every single air traveler. That really big guy sitting in front of you would gets one. The business man smothering his loneliness in a cinnabon would have one. Even that 5 year old kid who didn’t like the type of orange juice they offered her would be wearing one.

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Creative Commons picture by fredcamino. *Image not of the backpacker in question.
A backpacker has been found who seems not to care what bag she uses on her travels. Through her profound ambivalence she is breaking one of the biggest backpacker stereotypes known to man.

“Well…I think I started out with this kinda worn Winnie-the-Pooh backpack” states the  backpacker. “However, it didn’t stay with me all that long. I think a kid stole it when I was in Mexico City. Whoever did it, they were nice enough to dump out all my clothes.”

When we asked her about the merits of the laundry bag that she was using at the time of the interview she said “Well, it is easier than carrying my stuff without a bag….and I guess it is easy to carry on planes because it can fit in all sorts of different spaces. It also works well as a pillow.”

Because it is so rare for an around the world backpacker not to care about her bag, her seeming lack of concern was met with a seizable amount of skepticism. Many thought it was just an act to get attention. To test her sincerity we switched the laundry bag that she was using with a Optimus Prime duffel. Once we informed her of the change she responded “OK” and happily walked off with her stuff in the new container.

As troubling as some many find this woman’s lack of bag-concern, there may be a ray of hope. Technically she may no longer be a “backpacker”. Though she is sleeping in hostels and traveling the world she is no longer using a backpack. Without the use of a backpack she may instead be better described as a “traveler who doesn’t care about her bag.”

However, she did once use a backpack. So we can’t fully write this craziness off.

People have been marooned in all sorts of crazy situations. Even some situations that resemble fictional stories like Wall-E’s. It seems as soon as we humans figured out the basics of sea-faring, we started stranding people all over the place. Even though those who made it back consistently report not liking it (with a few crazy exceptions). Go figure.

Here are four fictional “stranded” stories and their analogous real events.

Wall-E & Charles Barnard

Fiction - Wall-E

Wall-E is a little robot who is marooned on earth by the humans he is cleaning up after.

Real - Charles Barnard

OK, so this one isn’t a perfect analog. Charles Barnard isn’t an adorable robot. Everyone didn’t leave the planet without him.

However, Charles Barnard was marooned by people he was in the process of helping.

What happened?

Charles Barnard was the captain of a ship sailing in the Falkland Islands. He came across some shipwrecked sailors with whom he was technically at war (they were British, he was American, it was 1812). However, ol’ Charlie thought it cruel to leave them behind so he offered to take them to safety. However, adding extra people to the crew meant his ship didn’t have enough supplies to make the voyage. To solve the problem, he set out on a nearby island with some of his crew members to find some more provisions. While he was out, the shipwrecked sailors overpowered his crew and left. Thus beginning Charles Barnard’s 18 month stay on the uninhabited eagle island.

Jack Sparrow & Edward England

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Creative Commons picture by joebeone.A group of hotels and tour companies has finally published a list of “officially approved reasons to go on vacation.” It is rumored to have taken one year of extremely sporadic quasi-work to create.

The list is intended to provide travelers with a witty retort when their friends ask “why did you decide to go on vacation THEN?”. Since all the reasons on the list have been officially approved, they no longer need to be defended against the skepticism of one’s friends. This makes using the reasons on the list much less of a hassle than using any other reason.

Following the release of the list we got the chance to speak with the group’s chairman. We asked him if he was concerned about possible bias. Every member of the group does make money when people go on vacation. “Actually I was once quite worried about that” he responded. “Which is why I checked to make sure that we weren’t biased. Turns out we’re not.”

The officially approved reasons to go on vacation include:
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Creative Commons picture by Sam Judson.

I am not trying to trick you into taking a sucky trip. Let there be no confusion on that point.

Despite the ultra-cool name of this site, a trip that only consists of “simply leaving” is going to suck. You need more in your trip. Be wary. The name of this site almost tricked me the other day, and I was the one who made up the name.

I named this site “Simply Leave” because the moment when you leave on a trip is incomprehensibly cool. It is that moment of anticipation and excitement when your feet cross the threshold. Your worries about organizing the trip have passed and there isn’t yet anything to freak out about. All that remains is the pure realization that with this moment something is ending, and a new adventure has just been born. It is a moment full of possibility and free of ambiguity. At this moment the world is completely open.

For just that moment, you might even be able to fly.