Ever since I first started making really good blobs of Legos, I have wanted to make a boat out of them. As a five year old I remember saying “I will create either a boat or a spaceship out of these” while triumphantly holding fistfulls of Legos in the air.

This was a dream that I later gave up. As I got older it become more and more clear to me that Legos didn’t have the strength to weight ratio needed for such an enterprise. Not to mention how difficult it would be to make a Lego-only structure that was water tight (or for a space ship air tight).

It looks like someone else did not talk themselves out of their dream.

Phillip Smith was anticipating the fun and confusion of his next vacation so much that he had to cancel it. “I just got too freaked out” he explained. Many look forward to their vacation for months. Sometimes this leads to an increased level of excitement and preparation. Other times it is slow descent into panic.

“In retrospect it seems like it was the wrong decision” Philip said, “but the more I read about the possible pitfalls and adventures the more it seemed out of my league.” Philip was planning a trip to San Francisco with his wife of 12 years. They had the needed money. They had arrangements with airlines and hotels. However, he wasn’t sure he had the right bag or if he could properly avoid being mugged. “If I was mugged, how would I respond?” Philip wondered if he should go to the police, fight back, yell “thief” really loudly, or just pull out his sidearm and start shooting.

“I’ve seen those movies where the police turn out to be accomplices of the criminal. I wouldn’t be smart enough to figure that out. I could lose everything!”

A spokesman for US customs said: “While we are never happy to find information of such danger when we search laptops, it does justify our extensive personal-data-combing operation. Imagine what would have happened if that information had gotten through to the general population of the United States! Luckily we have stopped it.” It is was later discovered that this information may already have been e-mailed to 423,592 US citizens.

The agent who discovered the explosive information was quickly quarantined. It is feared that he may remember the explosive information after discovering it. If this turns out to be the case the agent will have to remain in quarantine for the rest of his life to prevent the dangerous information from spreading further.

A manager at US customs in LAX expressed deep sadness that the agent may have been exposed. “He has taken an information bullet for all of us, and protected us from information that could potentially rupture our minds and cause people around us to be hit by skull-shrapnel.”

See, some of my time is spent trying to come up with fake news that is crazier, and hopefully funnier, than the real news. However, I have just come across a story that I’m having some trouble beating.

Apparently the US department of homeland security has expressed interest in a security bracelet for air travelers. The specific bracelet they were interested in is capable of tracking the wearer at all times (yeah, they will know how long you spend in that bathroom stall) and remotely shocking them. The promotional video claims that the shock is strong enough to “completely immobilize for several minutes.”

Creative Commons picture by androog.

Oh yeah, this bracelet would be worn by every single air traveler. That really big guy sitting in front of you would gets one. The business man smothering his loneliness in a cinnabon would have one. Even that 5 year old kid who didn’t like the type of orange juice they offered her would be wearing one.

This story is stiff competition, I know. Here are the five fake air travel policies that I came up with. If you squint and tilt your head a little they might measure up.

1. Require all air passengers to travel naked, so it is more painful to try to conceal weapons.
2. Paint people’s faces various colors when they arrive at the airport to clearly display their estimated threat potential
3. Pack everyone into armored boxes when they arrive at the airport. They can be released from their cage by airport personnel when they reach their destination.
4. No luggage. Ever.
5. Same as the proposed bracelet. One just does it secretly so people have no idea that a zap could be on it’s way.

“Well…I think I started out with this kinda worn Winnie-the-Pooh backpack” states the  backpacker. “However, it didn’t stay with me all that long. I think a kid stole it when I was in Mexico City. Whoever did it, they were nice enough to dump out all my clothes.”

When we asked her about the merits of the laundry bag that she was using at the time of the interview she said “Well, it is easier than carrying my stuff without a bag….and I guess it is easy to carry on planes because it can fit in all sorts of different spaces. It also works well as a pillow.”

Because it is so rare for an around the world backpacker not to care about her bag, her seeming lack of concern was met with a seizable amount of skepticism. Many thought it was just an act to get attention. To test her sincerity we switched the laundry bag that she was using with a Optimus Prime duffel. Once we informed her of the change she responded “OK” and happily walked off with her stuff in the new container.

As troubling as some many find this woman’s lack of bag-concern, there may be a ray of hope. Technically she may no longer be a “backpacker”. Though she is sleeping in hostels and traveling the world she is no longer using a backpack. Without the use of a backpack she may instead be better described as a “traveler who doesn’t care about her bag.”

However, she did once use a backpack. So we can’t fully write this craziness off.

Here are four fictional “stranded” stories and their analogous real events.

Wall-E & Charles Barnard

Fiction - Wall-E

Wall-E is a little robot who is marooned on earth by the humans he is cleaning up after.

Real - Charles Barnard

OK, so this one isn’t a perfect analog. Charles Barnard isn’t an adorable robot. Everyone didn’t leave the planet without him.

However, Charles Barnard was marooned by people he was in the process of helping.

What happened?

Charles Barnard was the captain of a ship sailing in the Falkland Islands. He came across some shipwrecked sailors with whom he was technically at war (they were British, he was American, it was 1812). However, ol’ Charlie thought it cruel to leave them behind so he offered to take them to safety. However, adding extra people to the crew meant his ship didn’t have enough supplies to make the voyage. To solve the problem, he set out on a nearby island with some of his crew members to find some more provisions. While he was out, the shipwrecked sailors overpowered his crew and left. Thus beginning Charles Barnard’s 18 month stay on the uninhabited eagle island.

Jack Sparrow & Edward England

Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Fiction - Jack Sparrow

The pirate Captain Jack Sparrow is marooned on a deserted island when the crew of his ship (the Black Pearl) mutinies against him.

Real - Edward England

The pirate Captain Edward England is marooned on a deserted island after his crew mutinies against him. For a little while Eddie E even captained a ship called the “pearl” (but he changed it’s name to “The Royal James” shortly after taking command).

What happened?

The part that really makes this story for me is the reason they mutinied: England decided not to kill the crew of a captured ship.

Jack’s and Edward’s stories diverge after the abandonment bit. This is probably partially due to the very un-disney-like ending of Edward’s story. He and the few crew members that were marooned were able to make it the 500 some odd miles to Madagascar on a crude raft. However, once he got there England was destitute and only able to survive for a short time by begging for food. He died before the end of the year.

Lost & Amelia Earhart

Fiction - Lost

A plane en route to Los Angeles from Sydney crashes on some southern pacific island.

Real - Amelia Earhart

Most people-in-the-know believe that Earhart’s plane crashed in the south pacific while she was trying to circumnavigate the globe.

What happened?

No one really knows what happened to Amelia Earhart. However, one of the best supported theories for how she crashed argues that she made it to a nearby island.

According to the “she made it to an island” theory there was some trouble with finding their intended destination. The plane overshot it’s goal by quite a bit and eventually crashed near Gardner island. If this is the case, the search efforts sadly concentrated in the wrong place. Even though she may have been able to survive for a little while on the island, she was not found in time.

Robinson Crusoe & Alexander Selkirk

Fiction - Robinson Crusoe

The famous book Robinson Crusoe tells the story of an English castaway stuck on an island for 28 years. (I’ll give you two guesses what his name was….)

Real - Alexander Selkirk

Alexander was a Scottish castaway who was stuck on a deserted island for four years and four months.

What happened?

Alexander decided mid-voyage that the ship he was a crew member of was in such bad condition that it was bound to sink in the near future. After a few “we are going to sink” fights with the captain Alexander got off at the next island. He figured another ship would come by soon.

Turns out, ships didn’t come by that often. However, Alexander was right on his primary claim. While he was alone and forgotten on the island, the ship he left in protest sank and most of it’s crew died. Score one for the Alex-meister.

This castaway story ends rather touchingly. When he was finally rescued he was so happy that he was completely incoherent. Because, his rescuers were rather hungry when they came across him, Alexander caught 2-3 goats a day (a skill he acquired on the island) until they were all healthy.

The list is intended to provide travelers with a witty retort when their friends ask “why did you decide to go on vacation THEN?”. Since all the reasons on the list have been officially approved, they no longer need to be defended against the skepticism of one’s friends. This makes using the reasons on the list much less of a hassle than using any other reason.

Following the release of the list we got the chance to speak with the group’s chairman. We asked him if he was concerned about possible bias. Every member of the group does make money when people go on vacation. “Actually I was once quite worried about that” he responded. “Which is why I checked to make sure that we weren’t biased. Turns out we’re not.”

The officially approved reasons to go on vacation include:

• I stubbed my toe
• At times I dislike parts of my job
• It is cold here
• It is hot here
• It is cold somewhere else
• It is hot somewhere else
• I sneezed with a mouthful of flour and a spurt of it came out of my nose. I no longer wish to deal with the shame that brings in this part of the world. It burned too.

Creative Commons picture by tornatore.

People seem to be generally pleased that the list has been created. Many claim to be tired of trying to justify their vacations. “It has been a long time coming” said some guy we asked. “However, I am quite glad that there is now an officially approved list of reasons to go on vacation.“

I am not trying to trick you into taking a sucky trip. Let there be no confusion on that point.

Despite the ultra-cool name of this site, a trip that only consists of “simply leaving” is going to suck. You need more in your trip. Be wary. The name of this site almost tricked me the other day, and I was the one who made up the name.

I named this site “Simply Leave” because the moment when you leave on a trip is incomprehensibly cool. It is that moment of anticipation and excitement when your feet cross the threshold. Your worries about organizing the trip have passed and there isn’t yet anything to freak out about. All that remains is the pure realization that with this moment something is ending, and a new adventure has just been born. It is a moment full of possibility and free of ambiguity. At this moment the world is completely open.

For just that moment, you might even be able to fly.