In the previous SimplyLeave.com article we went over how to transport your money in such a way that it vanishes, now let’s look at three money-toting methods that encourage it’s persistence.

Creative Commons picture by infomatique.

3) Money Belt

Your crotch is pretty high on the list of “areas of your body that you instinctively protect.” Why not use your instincts to your advantage? When you carry money near your genitals, you will be surprised how fast you react to someone try to grab it.

Don’t use if:

You put ALL your money in there. It is embarrassing to have to root around in your crotch when you want to buy that candy bar in the airport. You can get arrested for that in some places.

Even beyond your pride, reach into your money belt all the time sacrifices one of it’s main advantages: that people don’t know you are keeping your money by the baby maker.

You are usually better off if you carry the things you will need frequently somewhere else.

2) Inside Your Boot (Under That Little Insert)

Inside your boot and under your foot is one of the most inaccessible non-body-cavity options you have. This inaccessibility is your shoe-safe’s biggest asset. I don’t even have to mention that you shouldn’t keep your short term money there. You just aren’t going to. Plus, imagine being a thief tasked with getting your fingers in there without the “mark” noticing. You would need an event more distracting than everyone else wearing see through clothes.

A plastic bag around your money is suggested.

Don’t use if:

You are transporting a faberge egg instead of paper money.

1) Credit

There are few things more secure than a worthless piece of plastic that provides only you with money. If someone else wants it enough to threaten you, give it to them. By US law you are only liable for $50 of unauthorized credit card charges. Many credit card companies even exceed this required level of protection and don’t hold you liable for any such charges. It does help the company if you let them know your card was stolen though.

Don’t use if:

You are headed to those remanding parts of the world that don’t accept credit. These are places like rural china and the drive in movie theater near my apartment here in the states.

Creative Commons picture by gruntzooki.

3) In An Open Purse, in Cash

A big wad of cash loosely stuck in an open purse is like a big red button with a sign that says “do not push.” Previously honest people will be tempted. Those who have spent the last few years working at a boring job will wonder if they could get away from it. Even a devout monk would get a rush of adrenaline looking at it. It is just so easy.

Extra points if:

You only hold one side of the purse, so gravity seductively pulls it open.

2) Cash Taped to Your Elbow

I have no idea how you would end up with cash taped to your elbow. But, I have a feeling that the story about why you have money taped to your elbow is worth far more than the actual money you could lose. As a result, I’m not wholly against this situation.

Extra points if:

You walk up to strangers, say numbers and expectantly wait for them to tell you if that is the amount you have taped to your elbow.

1) Ask a Stranger To Carry Some Cash For You

Truthfully this is just a somewhat mean donation. On the plus side you get to choose who gets the money. This way you can be reasonably confident that the person who gets it needs it. Unfortunately this particular donation comes with a side of guilt and a dash of shame.

Extra points if:

You tell them they have an “honest face” before you ask them to carry your money.

1 - The Weather

Creative Commons picture by extranoise.

As blasé as it may sound, talking about the weather actually works. The weather is something that we all experience, are all influenced by, and usually don’t blamed on strangers. A quick “I’m glad it is such a nice day” or “wow, I wasn’t expecting that rain” is a nice non-aggressive opener.  It is so good at starting conversations that I sometimes wonder if all of human society would fall apart without such a topic.

Disadvantage

You can get trapped in a conversation doldrum. Once the ice is broken you are still miles from other topics.

2 - Use Props

Creative Commons picture by Richard Moross.

Photos of my family and home town are not only surprisingly interesting to strangers, but usually lead people to talk about their own family and town. On that long train trip this can start a very interesting conversation about various cultures. It also has the advantage of introducing you as a person with a mother and a father, someone who is more than just a nationality. That is the type of person people can identify with.

Disadvantage

Like a good boyscout you have to be prepared. The props have to actually be on you when you want to start the conversation. Since I sometimes have trouble remembering my pants, this is a lot to ask.

3 - Ask Advice

You are trying to learn from these people right? You could always just ask them. Perhaps they know some good restaurants or fun sights in the town you are headed to. If you are daring enough to mention where you plan to sleep, they could even save you quite a few bed-bug bites.

Disadvantage

If you start with something big, this can come across as a bit to forward. Who really trusts a stranger’s opinion about which graduate school they should go to?

There are also times when you can’t get out of your reservations. In these cases knowing that you are trapped in a bad situation can just make things worse.

Finally, don’t discount the chance that people can lead you astray. Some people really like hookah bars others are asthmatic.

Once The Ice Is Broken

Once you start talking one of the best ways to bring the conversation to another level is to volunteer a story about yourself. That story where you mistakenly ate a frog can cause people to laugh and even offer a similar story about themselves. The ideal story for such a situation is probably a little embarrassing. That way people don’t feel threatened or challenged to a “which one of us is cooler” contest.

When to Stop Talking

If you show people a picture of your dog Stinker, but they don’t make eye contact and reply in grunts, they don’t want to talk. In these situations continued attempts to start conversations will just piss them off. It is probably best to just sit there.

Creative Commons picture by *Solar ikon*.

Starting a conversation with a stranger in a distant land can certainly be intimidating. However, it is worth it. Advice from a local can help make your trip far more comfortable. That conversation could even become one of your fondest memories of the trip.

Creative Commons picture by mel e mo.

If your bag gets on that airport conveyor belt enough, it will eventually not return on time. It is one of those unavoidable risks of air travel. However, airlines rarely simultaneously lose two people’s bags, and they are even less likely to lose four people’s bags at once. If you have a set of underwear in all four bags, the chances are pretty good that you will not have to immediately go shopping.

If you are traveling with some buddies, cross-packing is one of the best way to avoid those embarrassing “I have no clothes” situations. Before you head to the airport just swap some of your essential stuff with your friends. As an addend benefit, it will probably make them more sympathetic when your suitcase doesn’t show up in the baggage claim.

This system is pretty simple, but there are still some guidelines you probably want to follow. First don’t exchange stuff with your traveling companions in the airport, and certainly don’t exchange stuff with people you don’t know. Breaking these two rules can get you arrested. Having a drug sniffing dog who is trained to show no mercy chase you down terminal A tends to suck more than losing a bag.

Second, you probably want to focus on spreading your essentials across multiple bags. Ending up in Barcelona with the three socks your girlfriend carried for you is roughly equivalent to ending up in Barcelona with no bag. It is hard to get bus fare out of a delicately positioned sock fast enough to avoid holding up the line.

It is almost never fun to have your stuff lost for you. However, when your bag is misplaced cross-packing can really make your life easier. For all those times when your bag isn’t lost, at least you will be able to strut around the airport slightly more confident that you will have clothes to wear tomorrow.

Some think the best tip-insult is to not leave a tip. Rookie mistake. There are many countries where this is the norm. This is the polite way to deal with good service. In those situations, it is clearly a bad insult.

I know, for us tip-happy Americans it seems crazy. In some parts of the world people charge exactly the amount of money they want.

1 - Insult With a Large Tip in Japan

If you want to anger a service worker in Japan, leave a large tip. Twenty percent will probably be enough to shock them into a memorable state of irritation. A tip implies that they will only do their job correctly when given extra money. In some situations it also implies that the tipper now owns a part of the enterprise they tipped and expect to receive a percentage of the income every month. OK, I made that last one up.

The point is that tipping in Japan is an insult with finesse.

2 - Insult by Omitting a Tip in Chile

Not leaving a tip in a restaurant used to actually be a crime. I’m not talking in a metaphorical way either. There was a law against not tipping at least 10% at restaurants. Modern mean people need not fret though, that law was repealed in 1981. As far as I know, it is now completely legal to comment on the poor quality of an establishment’s waitstaff by not leaving a tip.

3 - Insult with a Very Small Tip in Germany

When seen from an American viewpoint the German standard tip of 5-10% doesn’t seem like much. However, it still leaves room to give below-par tips.

Now you might be thinking “well 0% is below 5%.” But, that would be too low. A small tip is more of an insult than no tip at all. I’m not sure why. It has something to do with either the Battle of Teutoburg Forest or the general notion that a small tip is an explicit rebuke while no tip could just be forgetfulness.

4 - Insult by Tipping a US Government Official

This is probably the most dangerous tip-based-insult mentioned here. Technically it is seen as a bribe and could get you thrown in jail. However, if done properly, you’ll probably be fine.

I would suggest not trying to tip a police officer. At the very least try another government official for your first technical bribe. For example, you could develop your talents with a post office worker. You know, someone who doesn’t have the authority to arrest you.

Creative Commons picture by ryan.dowd.

If You Aren’t Totally Mean You Can Use This Information for Good

It is worth noting that the knowledge needed to practice the dark art of tip-sulting is actually neither good nor bad. Knowledge of the standard tip in a particular place can be used for good. With this information you could compliment the service at numerous establishments…or insult people with various sums of money. Your choice.

I, for one, am very reluctant to use this knowledge to insult people. It just seems too mean. Even if I did get bad service.

Properly budgeting a trip is important…like…whoa.

To help you prepare for your next trip to Rome and Florence I have created this generic budget with some “ballpark figures.”

• Expenses
  • Hotel/hostel (8 nights) —- € 320
  • Breakfast (8 breakfasts) — € 64
  • Running Shoes ————- € 50
  • Nude Suit ——————– € 30
  • Snap off warm-up pants — € 30
  • Lunch (9 Lunches) ——— € 90
  • Colosseum entrance fee — € 10
  • Fake-Streaking the Colosseum - 0
  • Train ticket from Rome to Florence - € 50
  • Dinners (9 Dinners) ——- € 135
  • Fake streaking near The Duomo - 0
  • Entrance fee for 4 other museums - € 60
  • Donations (5) —————- € 30
    • for places w/o entrance fees (churches & such)
  • Skype ————————- € 3
  • Roman Centurion’s Sword (replica) — € 200
  • Bribe for customs agent on way home — € 500
  • Bail —————————- € 1000
• Income
  • Selling 200 signed pictures of streaking the colosseum - €1000
  • Signing and selling the nude suit — {Like a Gazillion}
• Total — Actually make € 6

1. Get really good at fighting
2. Lose fights
3. Pretend to be Canadian

The fist option is hard and the second just sucks. So here are three ways to pretend to be Canadian:

Be Polite

Yep, it is a stereotype. Just what others will be using to judge if you are actually Canadian. So fill those well-insulated boots my friend. Remember your please and thank yous. You can even bow if you get the urge. People will recognize the intent even in cultures that don’t normally do that.

Say “eh” a lot

I bet you already know how to use this all-purpose-word. It is easier than you think. The most important and distinctly Canadian way to use “eh” is in the place of “you get it?”. Like “I’m Canadian, eh, so I have no reason to fight any of you.”

Wear maple leaf stuff

Like a trucker hat with the maple leaf symbol on it. Having a maple leaf on your bag makes your eh’s more convincing. Having it on your shirt makes you look innocent. Standing in a sand outline of the maple leaf protects you from the evil-eye.

We at Simply Leave have decided to find the facts you need to take a trip like batman’s, then mixing those facts with some funny lies. You might be able to tell the difference.