Creative Commons picture by gruntzooki.

3) In An Open Purse, in Cash

A big wad of cash loosely stuck in an open purse is like a big red button with a sign that says “do not push.” Previously honest people will be tempted. Those who have spent the last few years working at a boring job will wonder if they could get away from it. Even a devout monk would get a rush of adrenaline looking at it. It is just so easy.

Extra points if:

You only hold one side of the purse, so gravity seductively pulls it open.

2) Cash Taped to Your Elbow

I have no idea how you would end up with cash taped to your elbow. But, I have a feeling that the story about why you have money taped to your elbow is worth far more than the actual money you could lose. As a result, I’m not wholly against this situation.

Extra points if:

You walk up to strangers, say numbers and expectantly wait for them to tell you if that is the amount you have taped to your elbow.

1) Ask a Stranger To Carry Some Cash For You

Truthfully this is just a somewhat mean donation. On the plus side you get to choose who gets the money. This way you can be reasonably confident that the person who gets it needs it. Unfortunately this particular donation comes with a side of guilt and a dash of shame.

Extra points if:

You tell them they have an “honest face” before you ask them to carry your money.

1 - The Weather

Creative Commons picture by extranoise.

As blasé as it may sound, talking about the weather actually works. The weather is something that we all experience, are all influenced by, and usually don’t blamed on strangers. A quick “I’m glad it is such a nice day” or “wow, I wasn’t expecting that rain” is a nice non-aggressive opener.  It is so good at starting conversations that I sometimes wonder if all of human society would fall apart without such a topic.

Disadvantage

You can get trapped in a conversation doldrum. Once the ice is broken you are still miles from other topics.

2 - Use Props

Creative Commons picture by Richard Moross.

Photos of my family and home town are not only surprisingly interesting to strangers, but usually lead people to talk about their own family and town. On that long train trip this can start a very interesting conversation about various cultures. It also has the advantage of introducing you as a person with a mother and a father, someone who is more than just a nationality. That is the type of person people can identify with.

Disadvantage

Like a good boyscout you have to be prepared. The props have to actually be on you when you want to start the conversation. Since I sometimes have trouble remembering my pants, this is a lot to ask.

3 - Ask Advice

You are trying to learn from these people right? You could always just ask them. Perhaps they know some good restaurants or fun sights in the town you are headed to. If you are daring enough to mention where you plan to sleep, they could even save you quite a few bed-bug bites.

Disadvantage

If you start with something big, this can come across as a bit to forward. Who really trusts a stranger’s opinion about which graduate school they should go to?

There are also times when you can’t get out of your reservations. In these cases knowing that you are trapped in a bad situation can just make things worse.

Finally, don’t discount the chance that people can lead you astray. Some people really like hookah bars others are asthmatic.

Once The Ice Is Broken

Once you start talking one of the best ways to bring the conversation to another level is to volunteer a story about yourself. That story where you mistakenly ate a frog can cause people to laugh and even offer a similar story about themselves. The ideal story for such a situation is probably a little embarrassing. That way people don’t feel threatened or challenged to a “which one of us is cooler” contest.

When to Stop Talking

If you show people a picture of your dog Stinker, but they don’t make eye contact and reply in grunts, they don’t want to talk. In these situations continued attempts to start conversations will just piss them off. It is probably best to just sit there.

Creative Commons picture by *Solar ikon*.

Starting a conversation with a stranger in a distant land can certainly be intimidating. However, it is worth it. Advice from a local can help make your trip far more comfortable. That conversation could even become one of your fondest memories of the trip.

Amore Turistico (tourist love)

Most people know that Shakespeare was an excellent English playwright and a sub-par historian. However, sometimes the fictional stories can matter more than the real ones. In an attempt to make Shakespeare’s story appear true, a house in Verona was declared to have been “Juliet’s house.” To make this claim more convincing a balcony was built onto it in 1938. People have flocked there ever since.

The house features a courtyard with a statue of Juliet that is overlooked by a balcony. It is said that if one gropes the right breast of Juliet’s statue, they will receive good luck. Juliet’s statue now has a very shiny right breast.

War

While Verona may have some really good stories about love they have a history full of war. Even in ancient roman times the city had an important strategic location (the junction of four major roman roads) that many generals were willing to have their soldiers die to control. Napoleon controlled it a few times. In world war two it was one of the most bombed cities in the region. [warning: cheesy sentence follows] Much like love itself, many have risked their lives to have Verona. [told you]

Creative Commons picture by luiginter.

The Modern City

Luckily many historic attractions have been able to weather the centuries of conflict. In ancient roman times the city had the third largest amphitheater in Italy. This amphitheater’s inner structure still stands and is quite an impressive site. It is said that much of the ancient roman city, with it’s roads paved in basalt, is quite well preserved about 6m underneath the present city.

Not to mention that the modern city hosts cool castles and excellent gelato. Even without stories of rival families and true love, this city would surely be a worthwhile place to visit.

These new wee hunks of computing plastic tend to share an emphasis on internet use and a small form factor (generally about 2lbs and roughly the size of a hardback book). They pretty much all have wifi cards. Depending on the model you can also get one with a webcam and microphone built in so that you can easily video chat (or even record videos) from the road.

As you might expect, not all ittsy bittsy laptops are created equal. Here are things you will want to look at before purchasing:

Price

I don’t want to spend a lot of money on these things. I figure others are like me. Netbook prices range from $200-$600.

Keyboard ease of use

Having a “condensed” keyboard is pretty common with these ultra-portable laptops. If you plan on using the keyboard at some point, make sure it isn’t so small that it hurts your hands.

Is it portable enough?

We are going for portable right? Make sure it can easily fit in your bag. “Netbooks” or “ultra-portable laptops” are certainly not all the same size.

Does it seem durable?

It sucks to have a cracked screen.

Battery Life

It can be nice to have a computer that thinks it’s a camel.

What software does it support?

I like Ubuntu myself. However, it doesn’t run perfectly on all hardware. Make sure you get a computer that can run the software you want.

Boot speed

A lot of the uses for such a computer are little. How do I get to that restaurant? I wonder if my mom has emailed me? The sort of thing you just want to quickly check and then close the computer. It can save you a lot of time to have a computer that boots in 15 seconds.

Creative Commons picture by Dan4th.

When you are searching the web for these computers, it is also valuable to know that there isn’t really a standard name for them. Sometimes these new portable laptops are called “netbooks,” “ultra-portable PCs,” or sometimes “weee bitty hunks of plastic.”

This post is part of an 2 part series on ultra-portable laptops:

• A Traveler’s Introduction to Ultra-Portable Laptops
• 4 Ultra-Portable Laptops You Could Buy Right Now

As cool as that experience can be, there is a waterfall-related bathing activity that far exceeds it. Bathing at the top of HUGE waterfalls.

Usually bathing at the top of waterfalls is a recipe for trouble. Water that is about to slide off a cliff has an unfortunate tendency of encouraging other things to slide of the cliff. Because of this I usually discourage the top-of-waterfall bath. However, some waterfalls have a small sheltered area, a pool of relative tranquility, that will allow you to safely bathe in water that is about to free fall off a mountain. Just be really sure that such a pool exists before jumping in.

Creative Commons picture by mckaysavage.There is one such pool at the top of one of the biggest waterfalls in the world: Victoria Falls in Zambia/Zimbabwe. Non-suicidal people actually wade into water that is about to fall around 360ft (pictured above). The small safe patch of water at the top of the falls is called the devil’s swimming pool. I’m not sure, but the devil reference could be implying that it is terrifying to bathe inches from the precipice of Victoria Falls.

Bathing at the bottom of waterfalls one can feel the natural excitement and freshness of the water around them. However, when you bathe at the top of waterfalls there is one other characteristic you can feel in the water: earth shaking potential.

Here are four fictional “stranded” stories and their analogous real events.

Wall-E & Charles Barnard

Fiction - Wall-E

Wall-E is a little robot who is marooned on earth by the humans he is cleaning up after.

Real - Charles Barnard

OK, so this one isn’t a perfect analog. Charles Barnard isn’t an adorable robot. Everyone didn’t leave the planet without him.

However, Charles Barnard was marooned by people he was in the process of helping.

What happened?

Charles Barnard was the captain of a ship sailing in the Falkland Islands. He came across some shipwrecked sailors with whom he was technically at war (they were British, he was American, it was 1812). However, ol’ Charlie thought it cruel to leave them behind so he offered to take them to safety. However, adding extra people to the crew meant his ship didn’t have enough supplies to make the voyage. To solve the problem, he set out on a nearby island with some of his crew members to find some more provisions. While he was out, the shipwrecked sailors overpowered his crew and left. Thus beginning Charles Barnard’s 18 month stay on the uninhabited eagle island.

Jack Sparrow & Edward England

Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Fiction - Jack Sparrow

The pirate Captain Jack Sparrow is marooned on a deserted island when the crew of his ship (the Black Pearl) mutinies against him.

Real - Edward England

The pirate Captain Edward England is marooned on a deserted island after his crew mutinies against him. For a little while Eddie E even captained a ship called the “pearl” (but he changed it’s name to “The Royal James” shortly after taking command).

What happened?

The part that really makes this story for me is the reason they mutinied: England decided not to kill the crew of a captured ship.

Jack’s and Edward’s stories diverge after the abandonment bit. This is probably partially due to the very un-disney-like ending of Edward’s story. He and the few crew members that were marooned were able to make it the 500 some odd miles to Madagascar on a crude raft. However, once he got there England was destitute and only able to survive for a short time by begging for food. He died before the end of the year.

Lost & Amelia Earhart

Fiction - Lost

A plane en route to Los Angeles from Sydney crashes on some southern pacific island.

Real - Amelia Earhart

Most people-in-the-know believe that Earhart’s plane crashed in the south pacific while she was trying to circumnavigate the globe.

What happened?

No one really knows what happened to Amelia Earhart. However, one of the best supported theories for how she crashed argues that she made it to a nearby island.

According to the “she made it to an island” theory there was some trouble with finding their intended destination. The plane overshot it’s goal by quite a bit and eventually crashed near Gardner island. If this is the case, the search efforts sadly concentrated in the wrong place. Even though she may have been able to survive for a little while on the island, she was not found in time.

Robinson Crusoe & Alexander Selkirk

Fiction - Robinson Crusoe

The famous book Robinson Crusoe tells the story of an English castaway stuck on an island for 28 years. (I’ll give you two guesses what his name was….)

Real - Alexander Selkirk

Alexander was a Scottish castaway who was stuck on a deserted island for four years and four months.

What happened?

Alexander decided mid-voyage that the ship he was a crew member of was in such bad condition that it was bound to sink in the near future. After a few “we are going to sink” fights with the captain Alexander got off at the next island. He figured another ship would come by soon.

Turns out, ships didn’t come by that often. However, Alexander was right on his primary claim. While he was alone and forgotten on the island, the ship he left in protest sank and most of it’s crew died. Score one for the Alex-meister.

This castaway story ends rather touchingly. When he was finally rescued he was so happy that he was completely incoherent. Because, his rescuers were rather hungry when they came across him, Alexander caught 2-3 goats a day (a skill he acquired on the island) until they were all healthy.

Some think the best tip-insult is to not leave a tip. Rookie mistake. There are many countries where this is the norm. This is the polite way to deal with good service. In those situations, it is clearly a bad insult.

I know, for us tip-happy Americans it seems crazy. In some parts of the world people charge exactly the amount of money they want.

1 - Insult With a Large Tip in Japan

If you want to anger a service worker in Japan, leave a large tip. Twenty percent will probably be enough to shock them into a memorable state of irritation. A tip implies that they will only do their job correctly when given extra money. In some situations it also implies that the tipper now owns a part of the enterprise they tipped and expect to receive a percentage of the income every month. OK, I made that last one up.

The point is that tipping in Japan is an insult with finesse.

2 - Insult by Omitting a Tip in Chile

Not leaving a tip in a restaurant used to actually be a crime. I’m not talking in a metaphorical way either. There was a law against not tipping at least 10% at restaurants. Modern mean people need not fret though, that law was repealed in 1981. As far as I know, it is now completely legal to comment on the poor quality of an establishment’s waitstaff by not leaving a tip.

3 - Insult with a Very Small Tip in Germany

When seen from an American viewpoint the German standard tip of 5-10% doesn’t seem like much. However, it still leaves room to give below-par tips.

Now you might be thinking “well 0% is below 5%.” But, that would be too low. A small tip is more of an insult than no tip at all. I’m not sure why. It has something to do with either the Battle of Teutoburg Forest or the general notion that a small tip is an explicit rebuke while no tip could just be forgetfulness.

4 - Insult by Tipping a US Government Official

This is probably the most dangerous tip-based-insult mentioned here. Technically it is seen as a bribe and could get you thrown in jail. However, if done properly, you’ll probably be fine.

I would suggest not trying to tip a police officer. At the very least try another government official for your first technical bribe. For example, you could develop your talents with a post office worker. You know, someone who doesn’t have the authority to arrest you.

Creative Commons picture by ryan.dowd.

If You Aren’t Totally Mean You Can Use This Information for Good

It is worth noting that the knowledge needed to practice the dark art of tip-sulting is actually neither good nor bad. Knowledge of the standard tip in a particular place can be used for good. With this information you could compliment the service at numerous establishments…or insult people with various sums of money. Your choice.

I, for one, am very reluctant to use this knowledge to insult people. It just seems too mean. Even if I did get bad service.

Keep it & Build an Awesome Utopia

Some time around 1848 the Free Church of Scotland became overwhelmed by the feeling that Edinburgh, Scotland was WAY too cool of a place not to have a more utopia version in New Zealand. So, they founded Dunedin.

They chose a site of exquisite rugged natural beauty that was close to a good natural harbor and a peninsula inhabited by penguins It seemed almost impossible for such a wonderful place not to be a utopia. Hell, they even showed their great respect for Edinburgh by basing the name of the town on the Gaelic word for Edinburgh, Dùn ÈidÈideann.

Dig up and Sell the Shinny parts (aka “you sat on my utopia!”)

Not everyone agreed that the rugged natural beauty of the area was best utilized as a backdrop for a utopia that really liked Edinburgh. There were those who thought it would be far better if the beauty of the area could make them filthy rich. These people were incredibly excited when a bunch of gold was discovered in the area.

No longer did one have to build a boat big enough to move the majestic mountains. Instead, they could just dig up the shinny parts of the mountains and sell them!

People flooded into the area. The discovery of gold near Dunedin can just as the gold rushes of California and Victoria Australia were petering out. Prospectors were able to trade in their old gold rush for a new one by going to new Zealand.

Use it to Lure People In

Sure, gold runs out. However, being really big doesn’t have to.

After the gold rush Dunedin made a bid to use it’s newly enlarged size to…enlarge it’s size. It was histories classic “we are really big and cool, so you should move here and make us bigger and cooler” argument.

Dunedin even sought to speed up this process by throwing a really big party during New Zealand’s 1925 census. With so many people in town for the party, it would be almost impossible not to think that the city was bigger than it actually was. Which would convince more people to move to the city, and possibly make it as big as it pretended to be.

Creative Commons picture by PhillipC.
The moral of the story is: there are lots of ways to deal with your excess rugged natural beauty.

This town has a rich history of pirate-era weaponry use. Mostly because it was an important Spanish treasure port during the pirate-era. In fact, that is really what put Portobelo on the map.

Every once and a while a bunch of Spanish would get together in the town, load an incredible amount of sliver on a bunch of boats, and decided to make a booze run to Spain.

2) Henry Morgan & A Can of Atrocity

Pissed that the Spanish were not buying his preferred brand of rum, Captain Henry Morgan attacked the town in 1668. He lead a band of 450 “defenders of rum’s honor” against the heavily fortified settlement. The dude actually pulled in off. He then spent 14 days committing atrocities.

Henry Morgan’s raid went down in history as one of the most successful and “I’m soooo glad I wasn’t there” pirate raids. The legend of Henry Morgan’s conquest was later heightened when Morgan scandalized the pirate world by admitting that he had plundered while drunk.


Creative Commons picture by gailf548.

3) The Name

Portobelo was named by Christopher Columbus during his “why are there so many gigantic freaking storms” tour (aka “fourth voyage”). The name is thought to either mean “beautiful port” or “Please God, let this place have good food. Perhaps portobello mushrooms….” It was a rough voyage.

The name still remains. However, in 1596 the Spanish won a fight against the famed Francis Drake and almost renamed the area “Place Francis Drake, the English moron, totally failed to conquer.” The dramatic “meeting for the adjustment of names” was so much fun several members stayed up all night renaming things in ways that made fun of the English. After the excitement of the meeting had passed cooler heads were able to prevail. It was realized that renaming a Spanish-controlled landmark in a slang of English that didn’t yet exist “would totally suck.” In the end the Spanish decided to keep the old name. Despite their unanimous agreement that Francis Drake was a moron.

Present Day

Portobelo is now a sleepy Panamanian town 28 miles east of Colon. The fortifications that weren’t blown up during the pirate-era or any of the subsequent wars can still be seen by tourists today. I also hear that boat tours of the area are quite cool. From a boat one can witness howler monkeys, river otters, and sloths while talking like a pirate.

We at Simply Leave have decided to find the facts you need to take a trip like batman’s, then mixing those facts with some funny lies. You might be able to tell the difference.